Today's panelists are SuperHiro and Forbes, Inc. CEO Steve Forbes
Today’s letter:
Dear SuperHiro and Forbes, Inc. CEO Steve Forbes,
I have a horrible problem that’s starting to seriously hurt my relationships. I recently purchased an online game called “Everquest”. At first I found it to be a delightful game and I made many new friends. But I started to play more and more. Soon I went from “I’ll just log in for an hour” to “Bitch, shut up while Grognar the Barbarian is playing!”
I stopped showering, I barely eat. My average gaming time is 72 hours, after which I pass out on my keyboard and get some sleep. No wonder they call this game “Evercrack”. I do my job pretty half-assed, and now that I have a laptop I barely do it at all. Needless to say it’s really putting a cramp in my relationships. My girlfriend and 10 year-old daughter sometimes don’t recognize me. I’ve had to physically restrain my girlfriend from attacking my computer. But after I severely beat her with a tire iron she stopped doing that. My daughter is not only afraid of me, but she’s afraid of the computer as well. She’s afraid it will “eat her lifes” like it did Daddy’s. Please help me. I am dieing.
Fr. Gary Winfield
Our Lady’s Church of the Holy Redeemer of the Five Wounds
Pittsburg, PA
Fr. Gary,
You’ve already taken that valuable first step towards kicking your addiction, by admitting you have a problem. MMORPG’s can be frighteningly addictive, but there are ways to kick it. The first thing you need to do is QUIT YOUR SUBSCRIPTION. Get your girlfriend to do it, she sounds like she would definitely love to. Aren’t there other PC games you want to play? I mean Everquest isn’t exactly the shining example of a stellar PC gaming experience. I strongly suggest you purchase a console, and play some kid-friendly games with your daughter. PC gaming is very solitary, and I think some father-daughter time would be very therapeutic for you. It really gets much easier with each day you go without it. I kicked my MUD addiction by seeing pictures of the people I played with. Cripes.
-SH
Fr. Gary,
I understand your terrible addiction to Evercrack. You first experience one of the greatest highs of your life. You spend 7 glorious hours peeling away your skin to get rid of the numerous bugs that are crawling beneath it, always itching and eating at your precious man-flesh. It begins to eat at your psyche. When you aren’t high, it feels like your body begins to eat itself from the inside out. Only by selling your ’69 Corvette can you afford the massive dosage that your body and mind knows it needs. Soon you’ve abandoned your family fortune and successful business magazine and are bunking with 20 other people who have that same love and obsession as you do.
You live in an abandoned house with no running water. The smell of fecal matter, rotting animal flesh, dried blood, vomit, and dirty sex permeate the house. You degrade yourself by performing acts on the dealers because you have no more money to pay. Luckily, a close brush with an especially sexually deviant sociopath allows you to rehabilitate yourself enough so that you can make a few misguided, egotistical runs for president.
You can never get rid of that aching addiction. But you can replace it. Perhaps you would like to start collecting kittens. I have this precious cat named Mr. Boots, he has a great black fur coat and the cutest white booties. He rules the entire house, and has a harem of at least 60 cats by last count. Whenever another male cat seems to want to challenge Mr. Boots, I always make sure to poison that cat’s food, and then I tear it to bloody pieces with my teeth. You bet Mr. Boots really appreciates it! Or you can start collecting porcelain dolls. Perhaps you’ve heard of the famous Forbes Collection? My personal favorite doll is Polly So-pretty, hand crafted and painted by the lovely folks at Huckleberry Dolls. She has wonderful milky-white skin, and long luxurious brown hair that I spend hours brushing and stroking. She has these two enormous startling blue eyes, deep enough to drown in; I can spend twenty lifetimes looking into those eyes. Sometimes late at night I take her into my bed. There we frolic naked, as innocent as two virgin children wandering in the Garden of Eden. And sometimes I let her touch me, down there.
Best Wishes!
Steve Forbes
President and CEO
Forbes, Inc.
Join us Next week for more of your gaming and relationship questions answered by SuperHiro and his weekly guest columnist!
WHY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WHY IS THERE FLAVORED??
My fragile sensibility is hoping and praying that this is actually a packaging error and they meant to say "Cherry Scented."
Can you imagine actually being the model on that packaging? I would guess that being on something like an underwear package or a douche box would be embarrassing enough, but this takes it to a whole new level. I wonder if she introduces herself as the "Anal Eaze" Girl at parties and conventions?
I don't know what's scarier, the fact that I spent five days crafting a tale of a man getting addicted to crack cocaine, joining a crackhouse, then sinking into an obession with cats and having inappropriate sexual feelings towards a porcelain doll...
I have an awesome picture of him that's for sure. Why not?
YAY!
Basically, my problem is I want to be a gigolo, but am not particularly clever or good looking. I wouldn't exactly call myself a hunchback . . . well, except for the big hunch on my back. I figure this means I have to go for wealthy chicks that haven't been hot since the Eisenhower administration. I hear they're desperate for love and easy to catch.
How and where can I score some rich, elderly 'tang? And more importantly, how can I keep the lil' soldier at attention while attempting to pleasure a woman from the Paleolithic era?
I have an awesome picture of him that's for sure. Why not?
YAY!
Basically, my problem is I want to be a gigolo, but am not particularly clever or good looking. I wouldn't exactly call myself a hunchback . . . well, except for big hunch on my back. I figure this means I have to go for wealthy chicks that haven't been hot since the Eisenhower administration. I hear they're desperate for love and easy to catch.
How and where can I score some rich, elderly 'tang? And more importantly, how can I keep the lil' soldier at attention while attempting to pleasure a woman from the Paleolithic era?
