A million lives snuff out with my every step

Mr. Fed · Post by **Mr. Fed** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 6:26 pm

There is something wrong with my shoes.

They are tennis shoes. I think one has sprung a leak. It makes a high-pitched squeak when I walk, and when I set and shift weight from my feet, there is the hissing, squeaking sound of air being sucked into some little hole in the shoe.

They sound like little screams of tiny suffering people. It's like the tiny planet of Whos that Horton heard and protected. Except instead of an elephant protecting his Whos, I have planets of Whos on my shoes, and I dance and stomp up and down to hear them scream. Whole Who worlds are crushed, Who continents crumble, Who Romes and Babylons and other great Who empires vanish, Who cultures are wiped out. Its Whomaggedon! They scream louder if I shift from foot to foot.

$iljanus · Post by **$iljanus** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 6:34 pm

And I thought I just had gas, but it's just another disturbance in the Force which also makes me gassy.

dbt1949 · Post by **dbt1949** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 6:35 pm

Eel Snave · Post by **Eel Snave** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 7:01 pm

Whomageddon. Nice.

Quipp · Post by **Quipp** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 7:33 pm

With apologies to Steve Martin...but it's what immediately sprang to mind.

Ken knew he had to have some new shoes today, and Carlo had helped him try on every pair in the store. Carlo spoke wearily, "Well, that's every pair of shoes in the place."

"Oh, you must have one more pair..."

"No, not one more pair... Well, we have the cruel shoes, but no one would want..."

Ken interrupted, "Oh yes, let me see the cruel shoes!"

Carlo looked incredulous. "No sir, you don't understand, you see the cruel shoes are..."

"Get them!"

Carlo disappeared into the back room for a moment, then returned with an ordinary shoe box. He opened the lid and removed a hideous pair of black and white tennis shoes. But these were not an ordinary pair of black and white tennis shoes; no, these tennis shoes held a tiny infinite universe of souls in their soles--so that each and every step the wearer of the shoes took meant horrible, agonizing death for countless worlds. And to make matters worse, you could actually hear the terrible death cries of trillions upon trillions of tiny people.

Plus they had velcro straps which are just unsightly.

Carlo explained all this to Ken, finally adding hesitantly, "... Now you see why... they're not fit for humans..."

"Put them on me."

"But..."

"Put them on me!"

Carlo knew all arguments were useless. He knelt down and placed Ken's feet into the shoes.

Then Ken stood.

The screams were incredible.

Ken strutted over to the mirror and held his foot up where he could see.

"I like them."

He paid Carlo and strode happily out of the store into the street, cheerfully murdering millions.

Later that day, Carlo was overheard saying to a new customer, "Well, that's every shoe in the place. Unless, of course, you'd like to try the cruel shoes."

Kelric · Post by **Kelric** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 9:09 pm

Is that too long for a sig? 8)

Edit - That goes great with my latest tag too.

Zathras · Post by **Zathras** » Sun Dec 05, 2004 11:02 pm

There's a Seusian story in there somewhere....

Whos In My Shoes.

Did you read the news about Mr Fed's shoes?
Yes indeedy, yes indeedy. The Whos weren't greedy.
The wanted a place, to warehouse their race.
But the winds of fate, weren't feeling that great.
They blew the Who clan, past an accountant named Stan.
Past a cop with a bruise, into Mr Fed's shoes!

When he walked down the lane, the Whos were in pain!
When he heard his shoes squeaking, he imagined the shreaking!
Into the lake he jumped down, those Whos he would drown...
He'd take up jogging, those Whos he'd be flogging!

The rest we won't relate, of the Who's sad fate.
Suffice it to say, they're not with us today.
Their legacy, you see. Left to you and to me
If you switch your abode, don't dare cross the road.
If you move into Mr. Fed's shoes, your lives you will loose.
For the shoes of a lawyer are quite the destroyer.
[/b]

Giles Habibula · Post by **Giles Habibula** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 1:35 am

Steve Martin was a much better actor than he was a stand-up guy. The "Cruel Shoes" and all his other stuff was only mildly amusing to me. However, to watch him act in films is simply amazing.

Biyobi · Post by **Biyobi** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 2:04 pm

Huh. My shoes just made a farting sound when the little air capsule sprung a leak. Kind of embarassing walking with other people (the dogs found it amusing).

I wish I had cool shoes like Fed.

Kelric · Post by **Kelric** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 2:12 pm

It's Whomaggedon!

- Mr. Fed fanboi.

LordMortis · Post by **LordMortis** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 2:38 pm

Squeaky shoes, are usually the result of broken shank in the midsole. Sneakers, however don't have metal shanks, nor do they have midsoles. They do however, often have air pokets in the rubber, especially around the heel, so when the seal breaks on the the or they wear too thin you can get that whole turkey baster action going. This happened on my last set of work shoes in the heel.

It was bad enough that they quietly hissed when I walked, but they also made loud farts if I was coming on out the rain. I finally had to put the out of my misery, some shoe goo to patch them up might have worked, but my guess is that I would have had to fill the entire cavity with goo which probably meant ripping the heel from the shoe, patching it, letting it dry for several days, and then finding me walk to be more than a little awakward with the new "padding" of the silicone/rubber jizz in my shoe.

Shoe goo is fun to play with though. So at least you got that going for you if you elect to try and fix your shoe.

Bob · Post by **Bob** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 4:27 pm

I had a pair of dress shoes that didn't fit tightly enough.. or perhaps too tightly. At any rate, when you walked air would push out from around your foot and make a delicate "phhft" noise with every step. It was like you were farting, but quietly, hoping no-one would notice.

Mr. Sparkle · Post by **Mr. Sparkle** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 4:41 pm

Bob wrote:I had a pair of dress shoes that didn't fit tightly enough.. or perhaps too tightly. At any rate, when you walked air would push out from around your foot and make a delicate "phhft" noise with every step. It was like you were farting, but quietly, hoping no-one would notice.

Or perhaps you really were farting quitely, and hoping no one would notice, and were just using the shoes as a convienent cover story? Hmmm?