So I'm Probably Trans

[Unagi]

First: I’m happy to read your news. It sounds like you have a new life ahead of you with better lighting. I wish you all the happiness and success there is!

I can kind of relate; I enjoy a lot of stereotypically female pursuits (like gardening and cooking), prefer the company of women, loathe sports, drive a Miata, and generally don't conform to male expectations.

I think there are a lot more of us than people realize.

I’ve often said (non jokingly, but not entirely accurately) that I’m a lesbian trapped in a male body. (Although, I’m comfortable in my male body, I’ve never been all that ‘into it’)


I like women, mostly enjoy their company over a typical ‘guy scene’. Never got into the Jock thing. I also love cooking.

I can be very good friends with males, one on one.
In a group of males, I tend to back off and watch them.

[Sudy]

I wish you the very best, Eel Snave! And I'm so happy you had the courage and trust to share this with the community. Everyone's response makes me proud to be a member here.

[Blackhawk]

I’ve often said (non jokingly, but not entirely accurately) that I’m a lesbian trapped in a male body. (Although, I’m comfortable in my male body, I’ve never been all that ‘into it’)

A couple of Michelle's lesbian friends once said I was just, "a lesbian with a built-in."

I do have a couple of male friends. Both of them are gay, and do not follow the male stereotypes. I can't get through a conversation with them without one of them asking, "Are you sure you aren't gay?" I'm not, but apparently I have the attitudes and mannerisms. I break gaydar. All I know is that I'm me, and I learned a decade ago to stop pretending and just be that - me. If that makes me A, or B, or AB, or BA, then that's what 'me' is.

[Eel Snave]

I do have a couple of male friends. Both of them are gay, and do not follow the male stereotypes. I can't get through a conversation with them without one of them asking, "Are you sure you aren't gay?" I'm not, but apparently I have the attitudes and mannerisms. I break gaydar. All I know is that I'm me, and I learned a decade ago to stop pretending and just be that - me. If that makes me A, or B, or AB, or BA, then that's what 'me' is.

That reminds me of a John Mulaney bit. Something like, "I think I was supposed to be gay. Like, God put everything together and then forgot to hit that one extra button and sent me out, and then they realized what they'd done. And then they're all like, 'This is going to be an interesting person.'"

[Paingod]

It's good to be in a time where you can be accepted as whoever you feel like you are.

Personally, I'm very secure in calling myself what might be seen as a traditional male (my apologies if there's a better or more PC term to describe it) - but I lack the genes that might provide me with inclination to "chasing tail", fixing engines, and carpentry. A manager I had in a very different time once told me that I needed to think more with my penis, but I never felt like that was a productive endeavor and tends to get a lot of people in trouble. Still happy it's there though, and always looking for an opportunity to show it off to my wife (who, for reasons unknown, consistently fails to be impressed).

[LordMortis]

It's good to be in a time where you can be accepted as whoever you feel like you are.

Personally, I'm very secure in calling myself what might be seen as a traditional male (my apologies if there's a better or more PC term to describe it) - but I lack the genes that might provide me with inclination to "chasing tail", fixing engines, and carpentry. A manager I had in a very different time once told me that I needed to think more with my penis, but I never felt like that was a productive endeavor and tends to get a lot of people in trouble. Still happy it's there though, and always looking for an opportunity to show it off to my wife (who, for reasons unknown, consistently fails to be impressed).

I have no aptitude for mechanical things, which is odd, if only because my old man has an intuitive understanding of physics that so many blue collar men men men workers think they have. I also have no drive to be or be around alpha men and unless they entertain me, and I tend to stay away from those that do. Even with none of these manly traits, I tilt pretty hard toward masculine.

But much more importantly, I'm always happy when someone finds their happy and their happy don't hurt nobody. Eel!!! May your euphoria turn to general state of comfort with being.

[Smoove_B]

But much more importantly, I'm always happy when someone finds their happy and their happy don't hurt nobody. Eel!!! May your euphoria turn to general state of comfort with being.

The older I get, this is becoming clearer and clearer. Our meatbags are here for such a short period of time, really the best we can wish for anyone is that they find some happiness.

[MHS]

But much more importantly, I'm always happy when someone finds their happy and their happy don't hurt nobody. Eel!!! May your euphoria turn to general state of comfort with being.

The older I get, this is becoming clearer and clearer. Our meatbags are here for such a short period of time, really the best we can wish for anyone is that they find some happiness.

+1

Would that everyone would learn this, and do it sooner. I think the millennials and zoomers already have a better grasp on it than previous generations, but maybe I'm being too optimistic.

[Jaymon]

[gbasden]

But much more importantly, I'm always happy when someone finds their happy and their happy don't hurt nobody. Eel!!! May your euphoria turn to general state of comfort with being.

The older I get, this is becoming clearer and clearer. Our meatbags are here for such a short period of time, really the best we can wish for anyone is that they find some happiness.

+1

Would that everyone would learn this, and do it sooner. I think the millennials and zoomers already have a better grasp on it than previous generations, but maybe I'm being too optimistic.

For sure this! Congrats on getting to such an important self realization, and best of luck figuring out what makes the most sense for your next steps forward.

[Zenn7]

My child just came out to us a couple months ago that she is transgender and now a he (told us he was bi a year or two ago).

He has had a lot of issues (I have touched on that briefly a few times here and gotten a lot of support and even some financial support, thanks again to everyone for both!) that haven't gone away complete but doing a TON better since coming out.

No more breakdowns since then, and now, looking into going back to college and getting a job (as a therapist, specializing in the issues he has had) instead of lifetime disability. It was that radical of a change for him to figure this out and come out!

He has done a lot of research, joined a few local (currently online only) support groups.

Eel - I asked him if it would be OK if I gave you his contact information (Facebook or email). Shoot me a PM if you want the info. Someone who's starting on the journey you can talk to, relate to what you're going through, etc. If not, that's cool too, just offering up the option.

[Holman]

I remember having my mind blown by Judith Butler's Gender Trouble (published 1990), in which she argues persuasively that gender is a set of performative norms regulated by culture and almost unconnected to any basis in biological sex. The traditionally masculine male is playing a role every bit as artificial as that played by the most flamboyantly theatrical drag queen.

[Eel Snave]

Eel - I asked him if it would be OK if I gave you his contact information (Facebook or email). Shoot me a PM if you want the info. Someone who's starting on the journey you can talk to, relate to what you're going through, etc. If not, that's cool too, just offering up the option.

Incoming!

[Zenn7]

Eel - I asked him if it would be OK if I gave you his contact information (Facebook or email). Shoot me a PM if you want the info. Someone who's starting on the journey you can talk to, relate to what you're going through, etc. If not, that's cool too, just offering up the option.

Incoming!

Info passed along.

If doing this brings you even a fraction of the peace/sanity that it has brought my son, you will hopefully find life so much more enjoyable/better in general.

[Paingod]

The older I get, this is becoming clearer and clearer. Our meatbags are here for such a short period of time, really the best we can wish for anyone is that they find some happiness.

Would that everyone would learn this, and do it sooner. I think the millennials and zoomers already have a better grasp on it than previous generations, but maybe I'm being too optimistic.

I think that anyone under the age of 30 right now is seeing a dramatic shift towards acceptance to all manner of lifestyles. Repeatedly, too, I've been hearing a recurring theme for years about the new generations placing far higher value on experiences than material possessions - as in they'd rather take a vacation to an Air BnB somewhere cool and have a lifetime memory over picking up a new doodad they'll toss out in a couple years.

I don't think it's too optimistic at all. I think the folks in their youth right now are living a sort of mellowed out 60's vibe. There's no huge party or movement they'll define themselves with, but they're becoming far more open to the world and other cultures than their parents.

[msduncan]

The older I get, this is becoming clearer and clearer. Our meatbags are here for such a short period of time, really the best we can wish for anyone is that they find some happiness.

Would that everyone would learn this, and do it sooner. I think the millennials and zoomers already have a better grasp on it than previous generations, but maybe I'm being too optimistic.

I think that anyone under the age of 30 right now is seeing a dramatic shift towards acceptance to all manner of lifestyles. Repeatedly, too, I've been hearing a recurring theme for years about the new generations placing far higher value on experiences than material possessions - as in they'd rather take a vacation to an Air BnB somewhere cool and have a lifetime memory over picking up a new doodad they'll toss out in a couple years.

I don't think it's too optimistic at all. I think the folks in their youth right now are living a sort of mellowed out 60's vibe. There's no huge party or movement they'll define themselves with, but they're becoming far more open to the world and other cultures than their parents.

While I would love to agree with this, all I see is a very real and very militant shift towards slinging anger, rage, hate, and violence towards those who do not lock-step share whatever views they might have on any matter you can come up with. So while it’s nice to think they are “accepting” and “open”, the reality is that they are militant and close minded if you don’t agree with them. In some cases dangerously so.

Eel: I will echo others‘ sentiments here that I’m very happy that you have found YOUR happy. Follow your heart and don’t let anyone else determine what your happy should look like.

[Eel Snave]

I've been thinking a lot about that. This coming generation is really the first generation that hasn't been constantly traumatized in small ways. Like, when I was a kid (I'm almost 40) I remember people talking about drowning kittens in a bathtub like it was a perfectly normal thing to do. There was lead in all of our paint and gasoline. We still used the r slur and made fun of LGBT people. I even remember some kids saying the n-word growing up in Wisconsin.

My point is that this generation didn't have to deal with a lot of this stuff because our generation took the hit. In many ways, we didn't want to pass on the trauma that we had to deal with, so we tried our hardest to show a path to compassion.

Now, it's true that there's a backlash against this, as there always is, but this backlash has been a long time in the making. The seeds of anger were planted years ago, and then they were watered with the money from the oldest and most traumatized generation still around. You know the one: The one that literally had lead floating around in the air that they absorbed into their brains at their most tender and fragile.

I only hope that we can hold off the ruination of the planet long enough for the next generation to be able to pitch in.

[Sudy]

I'm 35. Cisgender, heterosexual. If we're talking about gender stereotypes, I diverge from a lot of traditional male ones as well. Internally, emotionally, I think I only feel a moderate pull toward maleness. But identity/expression-wise I'm quite comfortable as male.

I'd like to think the younger generations are more open and accepting, but I don't know if that's true. At least, not enough. Education, science, and morals have certainly shifted. In progressive environments it's certainly more acceptable to be honest about who you are. But discrimination and ignorance are still huge issues. I think a large problem is lack of exposure.

I was raised in a moderately progressive country (Canada), but to call it progressive in the 90s compared to today would be disingenuous. And the further you get outside the city, the less progressive it tends to become. My father is a trained Christian minister (though didn't spend most of his career in that role). I wouldn't call my upbringing ultra conservative, but it was definitely conservative. Homosexuality was 100% wrong. One of my earliest close friends was gay. (We met in first grade.) It was clear to me that he was different, even if I didn't understand it. But it didn't change our friendship. With deep regret, I recall that when he came out to me as a teen, I confronted his sexuality as being "a sin". Thankfully our friendship was able to weather this, and I now see his presence in my life as a blessing. It permitted me to confront what society had taught me up to that point. (We remain friends to this day, though I've largely fallen out of contact with him over the past few years for unrelated reasons.)

It's extremely hard for me to rationalize my father's views. I understand where they come from. And while he's a loving man who's truly my hero and I consider him a model of ethics in most ways, he's evolved very little on the matter. He would absolutely be kind to a homosexual person placed in his path, but I don't think he could grow to accept that part of them. He and my family care for my childhood friend greatly, but they're unable to do it without reservation. However I was heartened when my dad seemed to soften on sexual reassignment and transness when he learned of the potential physiological components. Though of course, transness needn't involve physiology, and is distinct from sexual orientation.

Personally, I'm still challenged sometimes. I just have no insight into what it's like to be trans. (Or gay.) It can still make me uncomfortable internally, and I worry about accidentally causing offense. The first trans person I've gotten to know is a young man at my workplace. He's a great person. Unfortunately, he's suffered some harassment despite us being a younger company. Thankfully, it seems management acted appropriately in resolving it. I'm proud that we also have a large number of gay/lesbian/bi employees. But it's distressing that we've had at least four terminations in the last couple years relating to discrimination, and at least three of them were current or previous managers/supervisors. So we have a long way to go.

I'm still a (disappointing) Christian, and believe it's entirely possible to acceptably rationalize loving and accepting these groups that the majority of the community has been against or at least regarded selectively for all eternity. I don't understand why more don't see that it's far better to err on the side of love than hatred or intolerance.

[Madmarcus]

I'm glad that you have found an identity that makes you feel whole. May you be a happier and saner Eel from this time forwards!

I had some other comments about culture, optimums about current trends or lack there of, feeling male but not stereotypically male and so forth but they feel self indulgent so I will be quiet.

[Jolor]

Whether you only go around once or are placed on the endless cycle, live it to your best. Not everyone can figure out who they are so heartiest congratulations and my best for your continued journey.

[The Meal]

Congrats on finding your path to happiness. That's the whole f'in point, right?

[YellowKing]

Wishing you all the best, Eel.

Through the roller coaster/theme park community I'm a part of, there have been several instances where I've had friends make a life-changing realization like this. In one case it was the discovery that he was trans, in two other cases it was guys that came out as homosexual. One was married and had a kid. There were some big challenges there and they sometimes went through some rough patches. But in all three cases they came out the other side happier people living the life they wanted to live.

My point being, lean on your friends and those who support you and things will turn out for the best.

[EvilHomer3k]

It sounds like you are still taking your first steps to finding out who you want to be. Talking to professionals is good. Talking to others on a similar journey is going to be very helpful on your journey. Just remember that it's your journey. Not someone else's. Your journey isn't going to be just like theirs even if you are both transgender, same age, same background, and from the same town. Use your discussions with others to explore your possibilities but find your own destination.

[coopasonic]

Congrats on finding your path to happiness. That's the whole f'in point, right?

Happiness is an option? 48 years and nobody freakin thought to mention this.

FYI I haven't posted in this thread because I don't really words. I could say stuff about how traditional masculinity is bullshit, but who the hell am I?

Good luck and be happy, now that I know that's apparently on the table!